Single but looking for sl/sp, why not gf/bf instead?



  • Quite alot of you singles (or self proclaimed ones) are looking for "longterm" sp/sl, what might be your reasons for not finding a proper gf/bf instead?



  • question or statement





  • It's a question for all you SINGLE people out there who are looking for sl/sp.





    Sorry for not making myself clear enough.



  • cos they just want no committment. or they are here to swing.



  • Merci,





    One possible answer: for me, I am not looking for sp/sl, but I am clear I am not looking for gf/bf exclusive committed relationship, as what I enjoy in romantic encounter, and not fulfilling obligations in exchange for 'hang-fok' life. Put in specifics, I love to reward myself by seeing that I do things to make others happy, and not taking penalties by not doing enough to make a gf/wife happy enough.





    Expectations can be so different with different relationships. B4 becoming ur gf, a gal will be tuned to appreciate the loving actions you do for her; and then when it evolves to a bf/hubby relationship, their expectations 'fairly' escalates to a higher level, and I can never do enough to meet the standards, even though already improving from the dating days.





    Haha, many may disagree or think I am a victim of miserable past LOL. I would rather say I get slightly wiser to see the bigger picture as I grow older ;)





    Don't worry, there are different ppl with different needs, and there are enough guys for those gals who want bf/hubby; sometimes they cannot get what they want just because of their dating mindset and tactics, and not because singles guys prefer not to go bf/gf in general.





    Cheers,




  • Hmmm very interesting inputs here, merci :-)





    I do think commitment could be one of the main reasons why some people have second/third thoughts to be in relationship. For some people, the R word can be very intimidating too.





    Yes expectation is very different if say we are meeting a friend vs a potential date. Yet for me when I start seeing someone new, instead of impressing them, I will deliberately letting them know not so pretty side of me, that way they will not set the bar too high, and that I can always have room for 'improvement.' :-)





    Guess some of these people have either been jaded, are in the healing process or a bunch of certified bachelors/bachelorettes who are commitment phobe heheh










  • I can imagine you are of a younger age (not a negative comment lol) as you may still have the concept of 'be myself' dating tactics which is already very basic when older ppl meet each other.





    For older ones, it may not be so much about how to impress each other, but finding out how to get along comfortably with each other.





    Commitment phobia, well, I bet will be a growing phenomenon for more ladies, given the increasing no. of control freak guys around lol.




  • Hmmm I am actually an old fart (LOL) who just happens to be still very young at heart and have this 'you see what you get' outlook in life.





    Anyway I don't call it a tactic, it's more like who I am. I like to take to time to get to know what is actually behind the person I am seeing. So instead of 'finding out' how to get along with each other, what I would to do is to see if we could get along with each other by 'being who we are'. :-)





    That said, they don't need to impress me, nor try to figure out what what make me tick. The only thing I would expect from them is simply being themselves and then we would see whether we would be a 'good fit' in the natural setting.





    There's a fine line between a control freak and an attentive person and I agree when you truly care about certain someone, it's not easy to draw that line.





    Apparently it's no easy task to maintain a relationship, let alone a fulfilling one and guess that explains why more singles are more in favor of instant gratification aka "fast food".

























  • Relationships, in whatever forms, are an art and a lifelong learning topic. You may perceive a person's words as humorous, while the same statement made by another guy you would take as mo liu and low b lol.





    haha, to try bring justice to guys here, while there are many fast food guys around, it may be a biased thought to infer a guy who does not go into committed relationship as a fast food guy. Ppl don't enjoy Gaddis doesn't mean they always choose to go for fast food ;)


















  • Funny how some people will tell the whole world they "are" in a relationship when in fact they are the only one in that "R" ship; then again funny to see how people keep jumping in and out of various relationship not learning anything at all.





    Chemistry and wavelength has a lot to do with how you perceive one another. If two people are on the same wavelength, what other people consider 'mo liu and low b' will be some sort of WOW between them, vice versa.





    For the fastfood people (not all of them are guys I figure lol), so long as they could find like-minded people to get what they want at certain point of their lives, it's all good. :-)










  • Merci replied at 2013-08-25 6:48 pm


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    Funny how some people will tell the whole world they "are" in a relationship when in fact they are the only one in that "R" ship; then again funny to see how people keep jumping in and out of various relationship not learning anything at all.





    Chemistry and wavelength has a lot to do with how you perceive one another. If two people are on the same wavelength, what other people consider 'mo liu and low b' will be some sort of WOW between them, vice versa.





    For the fastfood people (not all of them are guys I figure lol), so long as they could find like-minded people to get what they want at certain point of their lives, it's all good. :-)








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    well in my point of view if u are single and looking for sp/sl.. which mean u are not ready for a serious relationship... but what it happen to me.. is .. i starting serious to my sp/sl after a while



  • Well maybe it only means you have more way Oxytocin (aka love hormones) than the average men LOL





    Are you in love now? ;-)





  • Agree. Chemistry, wavelength, fate, etc. are all too wonderful for earthly minds to understand.





    At a time when we realize what only matters is to try find happy days for our short lives, it's better we take an open-mind to accept the various motives and choices in pursuing whatever forms of relationships. Whether marriage or bf/gf is THE proper way for relationships, whether it is about love or eternal love, whether who is right or wrong at the exit interview or evaluation after break up, all and all may be left for those who have the energies and conviction to follow and debate.





    For me, just take it simple and easy: enjoy the time with friends who enjoy the time with me for whatever we do together. Other's views, um, sorry, I am too silly and lazy to bother ;)







  • Very well said and I have no further comments here :-)



  • Sp/ sl are the new names for casual dating. People just don't want any commitment, easy come easy go, given themselves a guilt free excuse to exit.


    Most people would like to settle down when they get older but some think they can still score at an old age, that only applies to rich and good looking people. As we get older casual dates are not our game, you will find it more and more difficult to find a date, eventually you will be out of the game all together.



  • Ha! So sp/sl is the new term for causal dating huh? Now I learn something today, merci! BUT why "secret" lover if it's just "causal" hmmmm ...





    Personally I find the sound of sl/sp rather hmmm strange. Strange in the sense that you can still date each other causally until both of you have the 'exclusive talk', but it doesn't sound so right to me when say I am telling my friends I've been seeing X,Y & Z these days, and hey by the way they are my sp/sl. Know what I mean? :-)




  • Is secret because no point to tell your friends as its here today gone tomorrow, got it? Lol


    And they might be dating other people at the same time too, no commitment, no demands, no expectations, no pressure, no future....no point, only sex....maybe some company if is good.


    It's just a game to them.



  • Merci replied at 2013-08-25 7:08 pm


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    Well maybe it only means you have more way Oxytocin (aka love hormones) than the average men LOL





    Are you in love now? ;-)


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    that is a good question... i think i do in love.. but the girl has bf...




  • GarfieldJ replied at 2013-08-25 8:00 pm


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    Merci replied at 2013-08-25 7:08 pm


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    Well maybe it only means you have more way Oxytocin (aka love hormones) than the average men LOL





    Are you in love now? ;-)


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    that is a good question... i think i do in love.. but the girl has bf...


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    Does she feels the same about you?



  • merci





    i have a question for you.


    why we should tell others about something that happens between 2 people?



  • Get real


    Not sure about you but for me, I am not loving the idea of being referred to someone's 'sp/sl' even though we aren't in a relationship yet LOL. However, these terms make perfect sense if one of the parties are married/attached as the titles are very well self explanatory. :-)







  • GarfieldJ


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    that is a good question... i think i do in love.. but the girl has bf...


    ===============================================================


    Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! That's one of the many potential cons of engaging in a sp/sl thingy with someone who is not single.





    Better try the sp/sl (or whatever you like to call it) with someone single next time then. :-)



  • about


    Mind scrolling up and reading what I wrote again? I only mentioned I would tell my friends etc and there's no we.


    Do whatever and tell whoever you like as usual. :-)



  • Besides the conventional exclusive committed relationships like husband/wife and bf/gf, many people are interested to worry about how to introduce people around us as our SL/SP/FB/Little3/ONS ??? How many SP relationships ended up with the one side (esp the woman) finding the pain of love, or SL complaining that eventually he is only interested to have sex with her...





    Different terms, SL/SP/FB/Little3/ONS may have evolved these years, but these 'It's complicated' relationships, and others may intrigue ones, have been taking place for thousands of years in different worlds and different generations.





    My point is: ultimately, it is the substance in what is happening between the 2 (um, or more) that affects the persons involved.













  • Get real replied at 2013-08-25 7:56 pm


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    Is secret because no point to tell your friends as its here today gone tomorrow, got it? Lol


    And they might be dating other people at the same time too, no commitment, no demands, no expectations, no pressure, no future....no point, only sex....maybe some company if is good.


    It's just a game to them.


    ===============================================================





    Get real,





    You are very right that there are many sex seekers around, and it is easy to put a dirty pig label to casual dating guys/gals.





    If you tend to feel guys are sex seekers, ultimately it's more likely you will run into more such guys to reinforce your belief, and then miss the chances to appreciate guys who may be better than what you have thought. Of course, most of those ladies would think it is not a loss not to know those bad guys who are not going to be bf or hubby.





    Personal choice, and I am not trying to judge or impose my ideas on those who have different viewpoints, as we all have different values, expectations and what we look for in our lives. I am sharing my little comments only because I have seen friends who become happier persons by taking more open-minded and liberal attitudes in viewing relationships.










  • Merci replied at 2013-08-25 8:21 pm


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    GarfieldJ


    ===============================================================


    that is a good question... i think i do in love.. but the girl has bf...


    ===============================================================


    Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! That's one of the many potential cons of engaging in a sp/sl thingy with someone who is not single.





    Better try the sp/sl (or whatever you like to call it) with someone single next time then. :-)


    ===============================================================


    well i know is not easy to move forward... but i can treat her good and she feel happy spend time with me that is alright..


    i have no choice... u love the person.. all u want is she is happy.




  • likewitty


    For me unless we have 'the talk', I will always refer them as my friends to my friends, don't really see the point to go through the hassles and explain to my friends what happened to us. But of course among very close friends, they always know where they stand in my life. :-)





    While women are getting more sexually liberated these days, my observation is, as much as the women claim they have been around, still more women than men will be left to be the only one who want more from a sp/sl relationship. Personally I don't see anything if sex is the only thing both people want so long as they won't potentially hurt anyone around them (i.e. husband, wife, gf, bf etc), but when the pure lust and passion evolves into emotional attachment, that's the when all these 'complicated' relationship begins and things can get very messy.




  • GarfieldJ


    Wish you all the best, hopefully you will meet someone and share your love with someone who is capable of giving you her whole to you soon.




  • interesting topic ;)



  • The right one doesn't come yet


    Or self declared not right to be the one





    Thats fine as show up on sexboard, aim is the same everybody


    Romance, sl sp ons bf gf all that 不及床上解決 lol


    Yummy people are yummy always lol



  • Merci,





    Moral values, culture, education have (rightly I think) build in the protective measures against abuse of sex. What I see a pity is the inevitable side effects of distorting the meaning and importance of sex as one important component of a fulfilling relationship, be it marriage or complicated ones. I daresay there are more ladies who think sex is the only pervert motive of guys seeing gals, or it is a reward to man for committing to marriage or bf (too timid to say some use it as a 'tool' in managing their other half).





    Equally for some men, they may go for sex for the sake of it, and end goal is to get the gal laid.





    The same act, but totally different concepts n motives by different ppl. People may call it ' complicated' while I prefer to say it is 'interesting'.



  • likewitty


    Sex is a very integral part of a healthy and happy relationship. Funny thing is, some people in the west seem to do less and talk more, while we Chinese tend to do more and talk less. Talking about being discreet here! There is a Chinese saying 床頭打架床尾和, it certainly has alot of truth in it. For some people, they are at their best in expressing their love/affection/etc to the others when they exchange bodily fluid with them. Bottom line remains: find someone who is right for you.





    I could never understand how some women would view sex as a reward to a man, ever. In fact I was rather amused when some women told me just recently how sad she felt after 'sacrificing herself' by letting the man stripping off her clothes, then alas he's gone MIA. Too funny! She refused to even accept the fact that sex has never been a ticket for commitment. Rather if the sex is good and they get along well, people might choose to commit to one another in time. At certain point of time, people would reach the stage of life (note it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with age itself) where they'd rather doing many different things to the same person, than doing the same things with different person.





    Imagine you were the one who wanted more than your partner could offer, how you can still possibly say it is an 'interesting' relationship. LOL







  • Merci,





    Sorry that when I said 'interesting', I meant from my bystander's POV. I see it interesting as in most cases, it is about taking a right mindset n things can become simple n beautiful. We can't control or change others but can manage our own expectations (admittedly many can't esp in relationships).





    You go out with a guy, say, whom you feel clicked, so you can easily have an enjoyable time during the meetings with whatever activities, whether zero or to all intimacy. Then the unhappiness starts build up when you want to privatize him and feel bad thinking about what he is doing with other women when he is not seeing you. Ironically, the smarter ladies are often best in interpolating these post-meeting possibilities, while the silly ones (or choose to be silly ones) can only follow the first half of the story and enjoy the good times with the man.





    Who gets a happier life? Is she stupid? Has the guys been taking advantage of her? The only relevant question may just be the first one. ;)



  • I believe all these people have tried at some point to manage their own, as well as others' expectation but as the physical side of the deal has taken on to more ('advanced'?) emotional level, they would probably forget what the original deal is all about and expect the other person to look for the same things like they do.





    Not only would men want to privatize their women in this setting, I've heard enough stories which the reverse was the case, and some has become the infamous news headline and talk of the town...





    One hand doesn't clap. No one could ever take advantage of you if you don't give them the permission to 'fool' you and make you the victim in the first place. Whoever invests less in the emotional bank in these complicated/interesting games will surely be the ultimate winner.







  • Haha, I was referring to women trying to privatize guys in my prev message as well lol. The difference between men n women maybe: women want to privatize n many presume, n can, reciprocate the same. Many men, however, are more selfish n may want to be control freak to control the women, while they still enjoy the freedom of multiple dates.





    I don't suggest to think in terms of wins n losses. If one can't let go after a fate has ended n still drag on in the evaluation of wins n losses, I can't see he or she is the ultimate winner. The ultimate winner is this whoever who can get the most happiness in a relationship or encounter with zero or near zero unhappiness end-to-end ;)



  • oh mygod


    SL vs SP vs BF/GF





    they are totally different things!! oh my god.







  • Oops sorry I was so distracted that I actually meant to say the same thing 'women trying to privatize guys' in my previous post. Yikes!





    It's sad but I have to agree with you on the difference between men and women, especially the men are more selfish bit. Sometimes I can't help but wondering if double standards were invented by male species LOL





    Zero Sum Game Theory anyone? Hmmm ... no matter what game you are playing, best if the rules are clearly laid on the table upfront for all the players alike to see, but then again we are not living in a perfect world so there are always foul plays here and there.



  • Tell me about it Prof. Oh by the way, did/do you read? ;-)



  • In a way, women do need their loved/liked ones to be good at double standard; they want him to treat her 'special' unlike others ;)





    I am not a believer of the zero sum game theory or win-loss concepts, which I think them naive when applied to relationships. If 2 ppl meet n hv a happy time, then it needs not have any party who is unhappy or suffer loss. Those losses are mainly from evolving escalated expectations or fading in emotional appeals. If both can know how to treasure the happy times together n avoid falling or drilling into those later miserable holes, then I believe happy stories n happy endings can come true.




  • Happy ending meaning a relationship that creates happiness to both involved, not necessarily marriage or bf/gf, though of course not excluding such.




  • Prof. replied at 2013-08-26 3:00 pm


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    oh mygod


    SL vs SP vs BF/GF





    they are totally different things!! oh my god.





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    Totally. Causal v serious. Big difference.


    Casuals are always looking for romance with the easy exit excuse, constant dating is tiring n stressful for some unless you like the game.


    As people gets older these games looked less appealing. You think older people can easily get dates? As I said before unless you're rich and good looking, if not you will find it hard to get dates and eventually ending up on your own.





    Most people had failed relationships before and now think casual is the answer.




  • Ah I m outside. So can't type a lot.


    So just be reader first in such interesting topic. Hehe


    Hello all and


    Merci, may I Hv a. Seat ?



  • Sex as a reward, lol.


    Well, if thats the case then you havent met the right one that is sharing the love.



  • Haha I read a very practical article, the last but not least lol


    Says, will you move the whole pig home if you just want a sausage?





    Hahaha



  • Get real replied at 2013-08-26 4:28 pm


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    Sex as a reward, lol.


    Well, if thats the case then you havent met the right one that is sharing the love.


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    Those who know criminal minds may not only be criminals themselves, nor victim ;)



  • Correction: Women only need their loved ones to be good at double standard so long as it works for THEM. Yet men are ever so selfish and sneaky that they would play by the rules THEIR way. LOL





    Ok let's talk about Expectation Management here for a minute. What are the tricks to get someone to share some happy moments with you without falling or drilling into those later miserable holes, and lead to happy endings?



  • Get real


    I'd like to think the reason for people to prefer causal everything is that they have been hurt before. That explains why it's always very refreshing to meet and share some happy moments with someone who doesn't have alot of emotional baggage.





    They can either choose to get stuck in their eternal mourning, or they can move on to a new chapter in life leaving all these (un)pleasant memories behind. It's always always easier said than done, the easy way out might probably to grow detachment while making 'being happy in whatever ways' the mission in life.





    Prof


    Pls feel free to take a seat










  • Merci





    I learnt from a wise guy from here. He has/had a mate for extreme encounters, talking about non stop sex for 1 whole week. He said they were just like rats, who have no tomorrow. He misses the moments so much even the lady said she would come back however he knows it won't be everlasting so no wonder if she is back or not.





    We have to fill up or heal our miserable holes first before getting into the right one. Otherwise the past would stop us moving forward. I do think the right one is important, especially on sexual demand and supply here as here is hamsup board lpl. Then talking about give and take, if both need more or needed more, try on romantic games to make more fun. It takes long time or big fate to find the one. If you are lucky it is easy, if you look for perfect then better wait.



  • Merci





    There is nothing called absolute. Btw I shouldnt appear here lol, as I married and have a bf, yr question is interesting for me coz I was thinking alternatively.





    Why do married ones look for bf or gf?



  • Ok let's talk about Expectation Management here for a minute. What are the tricks to get someone to share some happy moments with you without falling or drilling into those later miserable holes, and lead to happy endings?


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    Really no tricks are needed. When like minds meet and click with each other, they will be attracted and drawn to each other; similarly when whatever sort of fate clicks in and people can do whatever against their prior beliefs.





    No one can know what happens next, be it marriage or complicated relationships. We cannot stop what happens next, or what our partners may evolve into next day, but we can have our own mindset to learn to let go as fate goes.





    Staying on day after day is a happy ending, and likewise is a good and clear let go ;)


















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