trap in a relationship



  • anyone also feeling the same way? 

    We've been living together for 10 years. I cannot be the terrible person to just 'dump' him.



  • Why need "dump" him?



  • Oh no, what's happened?




  • he is a nice person. but all he needs is a "girl friend" to be his witness of his life - to watch TV, to dine together and to sleep. as simple as that. a huge part of my soul is not connect with him. he does not understand, remember and respone to my stories. I am like living with a kid, a very good kid. but I feel more and more lonely year after year



  • Oh Ic, Then, you choose your way to lite up yourself....


    Be happy. :P



  • I know it's kinda silly to share REAL story here. but I do not want to bother my friends; neither do I have the $ to see a psychiatrist. and feeling too weak to get pill to cure my depression.



  • thank you date. I will try to a happier person. If I do not think about our relationship, I can be happier. It's difficult to NOT thinking about it when we are living together.....



  • Romantic vs long term, that's the question.





    Take responsibility. communication, dealing conflicts, quality time, and most importantly, dedication. That's a lot to work on, I know.





    Breaking up a long term relationship, afterall, is much easier. Temptation, responsibility, boring, conflicts, ... and many more excuses. So, if u ain't commit, then, get laid.



  • that's a sad story. that's his nature, impossible to make any change....



  • so, u wanna look for friends here to listen to your story and light up your life?



  • Thank you for your reminder V. We both put effort. we both committed to each other. The problem is everything we try to talk things out, the conservation soon turns into a big ball of fire, the more we talk, the further we are. So, we stop the flight, and live for another day. This scenario have repeated again and again......... I am tired and sad. I know I can live my rest of my life like this. I can.




  • if you can live your life in the rest of your life. That's fine, you have no problem now.



  • so, u wanna find a solution? it's easy, just go, leave for a month or two, then go together again, 小別勝新婚



  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 12:29 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    he is a nice person. but all he needs is a "girl friend" to be his witness of his life - to watch TV, to dine together and to sleep. as simple as that. a huge part of my soul is not connect with him. he does not understand, remember and respone to my stories. I am like living with a kid, a very good kid. but I feel more and more lonely year after year


    ===============================================================


    Men are, sometimes, stupid and don't know how to express themselves. That's why they prefer to "spend time together" by "doing things" without purpose. Tell me, last time when u two dinner together, did u two talk about "myself" / "yourself"? Perhaps u did ur part but not the other way around. Well, how about inviting him by saying, "how's ur day", "I can't get a good sleep yesterday", "how's the (soccer) match". Initiate the conversation and then drill, baby drill.





    Meanwhile, perhaps u 2 exploring new stuff together, say, scuba diving, hiking, fishing, get a license (vehicles) or even bungee jump. Create a new world and u'll have common topics.



  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 12:48 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    The problem is everything we try to talk things out, the conservation soon turns into a big ball of fire, the more we talk, the further we are. So, we stop the flight, and live for another day.


    ===============================================================


    Blood bath, yes. I'm right and u r wrong. Well ... at least, most of the time.





    u know what, you two will always argue for something and, forget it, u can't change his view. But, have u ever thought u could control how u react?? Welcome to adulthood :>



  • it could be hard decision for everyone in this situation. shall we chat more and share?



  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 12:35 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    thank you date. I will try to a happier person. If I do not think about our relationship, I can be happier. It's difficult to NOT thinking about it when we are living together.....


    ===============================================================





    Well, I understood. Wanna take a short break to escape?



  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 12:35 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    thank you date. I will try to a happier person. If I do not think about our relationship, I can be happier. It's difficult to NOT thinking about it when we are living together.....


    ===============================================================





    Well, I understood. Wanna take a short break to escape?



  • Viper_11 replied at 2013-01-25 12:58 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 12:29 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    he is a nice person. but all he needs is a "girl friend" to be his witness of his life - to watch TV, to dine together and to sleep. as simple as that. a huge part of my soul is not connect with him. he does not understand, remember and respone to my stories. I am like living with a kid, a very good kid. but I feel more and more lonely year after year


    ===============================================================


    Men are, sometimes, stupid and don't know how to express themselves. That's why they prefer to "spend time together" by "doing things" without purpose. Tell me, last time when u two dinner together, did u two talk about "myself" / "yourself"? Perhaps u did ur part but not the other way around. Well, how about inviting him by saying, "how's ur day", "I can't get a good sleep yesterday", "how's the (soccer) match". Initiate the conversation and then drill, baby drill.





    Meanwhile, perhaps u 2 exploring new stuff together, say, scuba diving, hiking, fishing, get a license (vehicles) or even bungee jump. Create a new world and u'll have common topics.


    ===============================================================


    You are right. I know that he is like my father, a typical Chinese guy who does not know how to express himself. He has no "heart-story" and does not know others do.





    I always ask him how's his work today, how's the meeting, etc. It's a good way to start our conversation. I know him very well. I am confident about that :)





    I tried. I asked him about joining some classes together, take some pictures outdoor(because we do not have any nice pictures taken so far, not to mention some 'romantic' wedding-like pics) or get involved in voluntary works. I did raise out some ideas, get forms but he never talk about it anymore. I felt disappointed. I do not feel like being the director and actor on my own. Clipping hand with onself. Yes, women are trouble, I admit. but men, pls try to understand.




  • siuminghk replied at 2013-01-25 1:21 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    it could be hard decision for everyone in this situation. shall we chat more and share?


    ===============================================================


    u have similar experience?



  • Isnt it the story of most couples?



  • mapleteatea





    very sorry to hear your sad story. seems nothing you can do any more now as he is a very stubbon self-centred person.





    guess you need some friend who can listen to you patiently and understand your feeling.





    if you wanna chat more and share more of your feeling, welcome to add me to chat and share further


    frank2012@hotmail.com



  • date replied at 2013-01-25 1:58 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 12:35 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    thank you date. I will try to a happier person. If I do not think about our relationship, I can be happier. It's difficult to NOT thinking about it when we are living together.....


    ===============================================================





    Well, I understood. Wanna take a short break to escape?


    ===============================================================


    I want to solve the problem. I cannot living in loop. Feeling so bad for so long. Life is short. I know I cannot change his mind. I can only change mine. So I have to learn how to let go. I can let go of my girly fantasy about "Mr. Right" and still be a complete happy individual. But I still feel bad when he is around and not able to share my happiness and sorrow. It's all about my expectation on him. Should I forget all my expectation? If so, why do we stay together? I am just asking myself



  • MBA11 replied at 2013-01-25 2:26 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    Isnt it the story of most couples?


    ===============================================================


    haha, really? may be i am poison by all the happy family pics fr fb.



  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 2:33 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    date replied at 2013-01-25 1:58 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 12:35 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    thank you date. I will try to a happier person. If I do not think about our relationship, I can be happier. It's difficult to NOT thinking about it when we are living together.....


    ===============================================================





    Well, I understood. Wanna take a short break to escape?


    ===============================================================


    I want to solve the problem. I cannot living in loop. Feeling so bad for so long. Life is short. I know I cannot change his mind. I can only change mine. So I have to learn how to let go. I can let go of my girly fantasy about "Mr. Right" and still be a complete happy individual. But I still feel bad when he is around and not able to share my happiness and sorrow. It's all about my expectation on him. Should I forget all my expectation? If so, why do we stay together? I am just asking myself


    ===============================================================





    Well, Is it any difficulty to separate?




  • mapleteatea


    No offense


    Seems you and he not share any common goal in life, it is a bit hard for you 2 to maintain a normal and healthy relationship just like other couples. Moreover, kids are definitely a ket element like a glue to stick you 2 together in a relationship from time to time.



  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 2:38 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    MBA11 replied at 2013-01-25 2:26 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    Isnt it the story of most couples?


    ===============================================================


    haha, really? may be i am poison by all the happy family pics fr fb.


    ===============================================================


    No one will post unhappy photos there.





    Even the fastest car needs maintenance





    All 787 are held from services



  • key* element



  • Parking replied at 2013-01-25 2:44 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    mapleteatea


    No offense


    Seems you and he not share any common goal in life, it is a bit hard for you 2 to maintain a normal and healthy relationship just like other couples. Moreover, kids are definitely a ket element like a glue to stick you 2 together in a relationship from time to time.


    ===============================================================


    yes, we do not. We will not get marry nor have kid. He never bring these topics up. so I know his answer. We aren't like normal couples. I have not made the guesture that I do not like kid /do not want to get marry. so i believe he just doesn't want to do such things if he does not talk about it (in past 15 years).



  • ===============================================================


    No one will post unhappy photos there.





    Even the fastest car needs maintenance





    All 787 are held from services


    ===============================================================


    where is the maintenance for love?





    Yes, no one post unhappy photos there. I never post pics of us on fb neither.



  • Parking replied at 2013-01-25 2:45 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    key* element


    ===============================================================


    I do not want to be a pushy gf. I envy ppl who have a happy family. but want I need fr him is more fundemental - I want to be understood, to be remembered, be sad with me, be happy with me, ask me how's my day, how's my work, how's my hurting feet today...........



  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 3:06 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    Parking replied at 2013-01-25 2:44 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    mapleteatea


    No offense


    Seems you and he not share any common goal in life, it is a bit hard for you 2 to maintain a normal and healthy relationship just like other couples. Moreover, kids are definitely a ket element like a glue to stick you 2 together in a relationship from time to time.


    ===============================================================


    yes, we do not. We will not get marry nor have kid. He never bring these topics up. so I know his answer. We aren't like normal couples. I have not made the guesture that I do not like kid /do not want to get marry. so i believe he just doesn't want to do such things if he does not talk about it (in past 15 years).


    ===============================================================


    If you found yourself no more can tolerate such situation being extended for the rest of your life, it is times up for you to make a decision for yourself. We don't want stay in unhappy days no different as a prisoner.



  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 2:23 pm


    ===============================================================


    He has no "heart-story" and does not know others do.





    I always ask him how's his work today, how's the meeting, etc. It's a good way to start our conversation. I know him very well. I am confident about that :)





    I tried. I asked him about joining some classes together, ... I did raise out some ideas, get forms but he never talk about it anymore. I felt disappointed. I do not feel like being the director and actor on my own. Clipping hand with onself. Yes, women are trouble, I admit. but men, pls try to understand.


    ===============================================================


    Most men solve "problems" providing an solution, not talk-over it. Perhaps that's y he kept things to himself. Meanwhile, women need chit-chat and emphasis on sharing. It's our natural behavior and nothing to do with trouble or not :>





    Pardon me if u find it too rude. U two didn't take lots pictures and yet, inviting him for photographic tutorials? U serious? Come on, u could do better than that. Is he sporty? If yes, hiking, swimming, badminton, u name it. If not, movies nite, concert, opera. Or even a getaway to Macao, Guangdong for a day or two (two together, of course). Fix a date and check with his schedule and do it.





    As u've mentioned, u 2 are committed and I'm sure that u could work it out. Reading between ur line, u AIN'T experiencing depression. Just a mishap.





    Last but not least, the worst thing u want to do is having an affair. Yes, u could start looking for another so long as u wrapped this up.



  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 2:38 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    MBA11 replied at 2013-01-25 2:26 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    Isnt it the story of most couples?


    ===============================================================


    haha, really? may be i am poison by all the happy family pics fr fb.


    ===============================================================


    Whether that's the story for most of us. U had it all wrong. U should ask urself, "how much am I going to commit?"



  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 3:09 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    ===============================================================


    No one will post unhappy photos there.





    Even the fastest car needs maintenance





    All 787 are held from services


    ===============================================================


    where is the maintenance for love?





    Yes, no one post unhappy photos there. I never post pics of us on fb neither.


    ===============================================================


    Love matters cannot be in full speed all the time


    Of course has ups and downs.





    Maintenance not necessariky be both sides and mutualky.


    U can have yiur own way to fix.



  • Parking replied at 2013-01-25 2:44 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    mapleteatea





    ===============================================================


    If you found yourself no more can tolerate such situation being extended for the rest of your life, it is times up for you to make a decision for yourself. We don't want stay in unhappy days no different as a prisoner.


    ===============================================================





    As said, he is a like a kid with a good heart (remind me of PeterPan). I do not feel like a prisoner :)


    He just doesn't get the complexity of a relationship. He is like a kid - when he does not get the answer for a math question, he turns on the TV to watch cartoon.





    So, my problem is self-generated.



  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 3:29 pm





    As said, he is a like a kid with a good heart (remind me of PeterPan). I do not feel like a prisoner :)


    He just doesn't get the complexity of a relationship. He is like a kid - when he does not get the answer for a math question, he turns on the TV to watch cartoon.





    So, my problem is self-generated.


    ===============================================================


    So you are the relatively mature role in the relationship and he seems need to be take care all the time. Always prepare yourself to do take care of him good ^^ and just enjoy it.



  • ===============================================================


    Most men solve "problems" providing an solution, not talk-over it. Perhaps that's y he kept things to himself. Meanwhile, women need chit-chat and emphasis on sharing. It's our natural behavior and nothing to do with trouble or not :>





    Pardon me if u find it too rude. U two didn't take lots pictures and yet, inviting him for photographic tutorials? U serious? Come on, u could do better than that. Is he sporty? If yes, hiking, swimming, badminton, u name it. If not, movies nite, concert, opera. Or even a getaway to Macao, Guangdong for a day or two (two together, of course). Fix a date and check with his schedule and do it.





    As u've mentioned, u 2 are committed and I'm sure that u could work it out. Reading between ur line, u AIN'T experiencing depression. Just a mishap.





    Last but not least, the worst thing u want to do is having an affair. Yes, u could start looking for another so long as u wrapped this up.


    ===============================================================


    First, I do not want an affair. what did I say to give u this impression?





    Seond, I am not going to list out the possible things I've suggested that we could do together. "Fix a date and check with his schedule and do it."


    Though you are a bit rude, but I do thank you for your time and advice.







  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 3:06 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    Parking replied at 2013-01-25 2:44 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    mapleteatea


    No offense


    Seems you and he not share any common goal in life, it is a bit hard for you 2 to maintain a normal and healthy relationship just like other couples. Moreover, kids are definitely a ket element like a glue to stick you 2 together in a relationship from time to time.


    ===============================================================


    yes, we do not. We will not get marry nor have kid. He never bring these topics up. so I know his answer. We aren't like normal couples. I have not made the guesture that I do not like kid /do not want to get marry. so i believe he just doesn't want to do such things if he does not talk about it (in past 15 years).


    ===============================================================


    That's another typical academic question.





    Kid is not a tool for binding couples together. That's fundamentally wrong, I must say.





    If u two have no intention to have kids and willing to commit, what's the point of getting married? For that piece of paper? Unless u wants to have kid, for the sake of the kid, marriage is a must. If not, it's nothing but legally binding u 2. Make less worthy is that u could legally unbind it.



  • ===============================================================


    Whether that's the story for most of us. U had it all wrong. U should ask urself, "how much am I going to commit?"


    ===============================================================


    um......


    we are both very committed. We met each other in Grade 1 together. He takes Grade 1 every year, while I wanted to continue my study in Grade 2, 3, 4.... does it mean I am not committed? Anyway.......



  • ===============================================================


    Most men solve "problems" providing an solution, not talk-over it. Perhaps that's y he kept things to himself. Meanwhile, women need chit-chat and emphasis on sharing. It's our natural behavior and nothing to do with trouble or not :>





    Pardon me if u find it too rude. U two didn't take lots pictures and yet, inviting him for photographic tutorials? U serious? Come on, u could do better than that. Is he sporty? If yes, hiking, swimming, badminton, u name it. If not, movies nite, concert, opera. Or even a getaway to Macao, Guangdong for a day or two (two together, of course). Fix a date and check with his schedule and do it.





    As u've mentioned, u 2 are committed and I'm sure that u could work it out. Reading between ur line, u AIN'T experiencing depression. Just a mishap.





    Last but not least, the worst thing u want to do is having an affair. Yes, u could start looking for another so long as u wrapped this up.


    ===============================================================


    Say it for women


    "let's not angry any more" / "forget about it" is not a solution




  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 3:39 pm


    ===============================================================


    First, I do not want an affair. what did I say to give u this impression?





    Seond, I am not going to list out the possible things I've suggested that we could do together. "Fix a date and check with his schedule and do it."


    Though you are a bit rude, but I do thank you for your time and advice.





    ===============================================================


    First question, no. But every now and then, a guy would bump by posting their email. Just a reminder. That's all. My bad.





    Watching cartoons? Well, I see u point and ... frustration. Perhaps he's still enjoying his childhood. That's ring my bell. Is that Japanese cartoon? If positive, a getaway to Japan, how's that sound?





    And sorry for my tone.



  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 3:49 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    Viper_11 replied at 2013-01-25 3:21 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    MBA11 replied at 2013-01-25 2:26 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    Isnt it the story of most couples?


    ===============================================================


    haha, really? may be i am poison by all the happy family pics fr fb.


    ===============================================================


    Whether that's the story for most of us. U had it all wrong. U should ask urself, "how much am I going to commit?"


    ===============================================================


    um......


    we are both very committed. We met each other in Grade 1 together. He takes Grade 1 every year, while I wanted to continue my study in Grade 2, 3, 4.... does it mean I am not committed? Anyway.......


    ===============================================================


    My reply, "U hand it all wrong ..." is meant to MBA11. Not mapleteatea. I should have been more explicit.




  • mapleteatea replied at 2013-01-25 3:52 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    ===============================================================


    Say it for women


    "let's not angry any more" / "forget about it" is not a solution


    ===============================================================


    b4 I go, I c what u r suffering.


    Your man evading the problems and chose not to fix it.




  • MBA11 replied at 2013-01-25 3:28 pm


    ===============================================================


    Love matters cannot be in full speed all the time


    Of course has ups and downs.





    Maintenance not necessariky be both sides and mutualky.


    U can have yiur own way to fix.


    ===============================================================





    Agree. any good advice? I read books to find answers. 放下執著. 半杯水的故事.





    is it like a choice between 'being her gf' vs 'being myself'?



  • Watching cartoons? Well, I see u point and ... frustration. Perhaps he's still enjoying his childhood. That's ring my bell. Is that Japanese cartoon? If positive, a getaway to Japan, how's that sound?





    And sorry for my tone.


    ===============================================================


    He did not really go to watch cartoon, though he LOVES Japan Superman in unitard (!) and super-sized monsters.





    We visited Tokyo once 4 years ago. I was 3-month pregnant then, he knew it. but he did not say anything like 'be careful' 'can u go into hotspring?'... The p thing was not in his mind. I did what I ought to do when I'm back to HK. He has no comments/ advice. It's too complex for a Grade 1 student.





    May I say some more: just need a place to speak it out, I would not say it to anyone in real life





    after then, everytime I see babies shown on TV, I wish he could switch channel or give me a glance to show that he knew.... but he talked to the TV (he always have conversation with TV, i.e. the baby is cute) as if nothing had happened. it really hurts me. That's the time I got the impression that he cannot share my sorrow.







  • ===============================================================


    b4 I go, I c what u r suffering.


    Your man evading the problems and chose not to fix it.


    ===============================================================


    THANK YOU ~



  • 無意冒犯


    看你的說話,可能你面對/工作的環境令你改變不少,反而你男友仍然原地踏步,所以有思想/目標上已不一致。


    或者你問問自己:你們大家之間仍然有愛? 還是因為責任而一起?



  • want to find passion, love, and care.



  • 女人 replied at 2013-01-25 4:40 pm


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    無意冒犯


    看你的說話,可能你面對/工作的環境令你改變不少,反而你男友仍然原地踏步,所以有思想/目標上已不一致。


    或者你問問自己:你們大家之間仍然有愛? 還是因為責任而一起?


    ===============================================================


    yes. we love each other.





    The question is if I love my life more with / without him?


    Being independent, living by myself OR


    Feeling neglected by him emotionally but having a good companion (he is a good partner in real life, we share housework, eat together, watch movie together....) If I am satisfied with having someone to live (spend time) together (like a family member) he would be perfect.


    要一個人的孤獨 VS 兩個人但覺得寂寞





    好奢侈的煩惱....


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