How to mend a relationship ruin my myself?

  • Sorry for the long message.  Hope to get some (primarily female) opinions.. 

    We're together for a long time and I love her dearly.  I have never been unfaithful to her but, as a man, I did surf the net for porn and stuff like that.  Last year I found a few forums with "normal" girls (not professionals) advertising for sex services.  Out of pure couriosity I contacted some of them, chatted a few over msn. Though I exchanged contacted with these girls I never went out with any.  I was too in love with my gf to do such a thing to hurt her.  It was just a game.

    Once she discovered a note with some of the girls' contact on it and naturally she was heartbroken.  I did manage to explained to her that I was just curious and nothing more.  She had forgiven me and we were over it.  Recently she discovered some old msn records on my pc that I exchanged with these girls and this time she was really upset.  Understandably she thought I was lying to her and that I continue to go out with these girls.

    I am so ashamed and so regret doing this in the first place.  Why was I so stupid to hurt someone I love so much?  How can I convince her that I never did anything unfaithful?  She said she will never trust me again.  She virtually stopped talking to me and refused to talk about it.   I know I have done wrongly and just wish to let her know my love had never changed for her and I am seriously about us spending the rest of our life together...

    This will be a scar in our relationship but I just wish to be able to explain to her the truth.  Can anyone offer any help?  I was so depressed and worried that I would lose her.

  • Anyone can help? Still much depressed..

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