14 years! - and he is still asking for forgiveness... ...

A tedious relationship of my friend: J -

J is my colleague, she is smart, independant, avery nice gal to mix with. She is 34 now.
She's been with her boyfriend for 14 years since their college time. Recently, she found out that his bf is going out with another gal, whom they had a relationship 8 years ago. Yes, 8 years ago, this guy cheated her with another gal, but then later, J and this guy got back together until now.

This guy kept telling J that he had difficulty to talk to her. He claimed that J is too superior than her, and J always neglected is feeling, J doesn't act like a woman to him and made him feel bad, he push all the blaims to J that causing him to find " the other gal" to talk.
1st time, J tailed behind him and found out he went to that gal's apartment. he cheated her that he is with his guy fren at another place.
2nd time, J saw him dining out with that gal and her parents.
3rd time, J went to this gal's apartment and this gal blaimed that J is the one who not letting go.
,.....
for many many times, this guy will come back to J and ask for forgiveness... he promised to marry her but never turn out to be true. He promised not to see that gal anymore, but once he send J home he will direct heading to that gal. he can beg and beg and beg for forgiveness and kept this for 14 years!!!

i tried to help J as i think she really deserve a better life.
What do you think... does anyone of you met somebody like this guy???
i think he is SICK... cannot settle his own relationship and keep repeating the same mistake

this is not the bf problem, this is J problem.

J chooses to stay and she get hurts again, who else have a say? I feel sorry for J, but that is all I feel, she has to make her choice to stay or leave, she also has to observe the chance of getting hurts from the relation. This is life, no perfect!

壞既男人, 一定要有傻既女人先可以成全

like 'just said', i feel sorry for her as well.

serioulsy J needs to wake up asap and stop wasting her time with that guy coz he doesnt worth her love at all. 14 yrs is long but i suppose its never too late to start over again and live a happy life.

i loathe guys who got chicked out and just know how to shift the blames whenever they got caught cheating.

i had a similar case as J

i be with my ex bf for 3 years.

he always phone secretly with others and then i found that he had another gal since we had been together for half year, by checking his phone and mail. yes, he gave me his e-mail pw and he think i hv no guts to check it, but he's wrong. he excused that she was his old old fd and i accepted it.

during the next year, i found that he keep flirting with gals, not only one, overseas student, just granduated gal, and even someone's wife. i judged him about that and he just admitted one of them, he said they're over and ask for my forgiveness. i accepted it.

one year ago, he work in a new company, and i sensed that he has sth with one of his colleague. actually i've already decided to break up with him, just want to find a good timing.

in March, one day, someone msn me and ask if i want to know more about my ex, i know it's her. (continue tonight if u're interested)

等你

hi all...

thanks for the feedback and sorry for my late respond. I went out with J to "follow up her case".

yeah, i told her the same thing: stop this and move on. most importantly. J need to make her own decision. no point to find out more on "why" her bf is such a jerk and no point to find out about him and the other gal. To me, if this guy cannot care about your feeling, that's it! see, in today's world, gals are independant where we have own career, own friends, close family member and own hobbies, we earn our own living.... so what we need from a relationship? from our partner? we need support! we need care! we need love! if he can't even care about our feeling and give us enough love & support, then why should we choose that person as partner? only for a ":status"??? that's rediculous.

guess what, that guy still begging J to forgive him. He proposed to her. and this is not the first time he used marriage as the "bait" to get J back. they even went to the registration of marriage to get form but that was few years back and that guy didn't proceed further, just got the cert only.

So, today, he brought her to get the form, he said he'll bring home to fill up all the details for both person. well well well, i also interested to find out what's next.

Jtold me honestly she will not get him back. But other than relationship problem, J said this guy has been very agrssive and responsible on his career, he is a rational guy but just mess up his relationship. Becoz of 14 years with him, J decided to "help" him n treat him as a "patient". I think this guy is really SICK.. the way he sms and threaten J is really crazy!

Now, do you all think that the way J to treat him as "patient" is DOABLE? she just can't be Harsh on him.

Hi Wildberry,

Can't really say there is a problem.

The guy is begging for it. The gal is allowing it.

Both seemed to get along about this back-and-forth interaction.

RustNail~

Hi Silly Girl,

Thanks for sharing your experience too. I think, when you able to share about your past (like telling a story of somebody else) then You are already letgo the past. Also, whatever we ACT in actual, most importantly is what we have decided in us. If we decided not to continue a bad relationship, we will also act the same way. However, if we haven't make up our mind clear, we won't able to ACT properly to end the relationship. Because, there is always anticipation still. and Anticipation or expectation, is always the thing that turn us down... Only with no expectation, regardless what turn out to be will be "positive" to our life. On the other way, with expectation set, if thing doesn't turn out in favor to us, then all could be "negative"

I hope you understand what i'm trying to express... and I hope J would understand this too.

"JUST"

yeah, i agree with you. J also need to payoff her own responsibility of allowing this guy to hurt her so many times. She should be mature enough to make her own choice... to be hurt? or to be happy.

again, *sigh.... when comes to relationship.... it's always complicated. Don't you think so?

cyee,

14 years is a looooong time to get tortured. BUt, yup, it's never too late to wake up! to see the real face of this jerk. I really HOPE she could be stronger.

RUSTYNAIL -

i'm wordless to you. so....... you are right :P

I agree totall with RustyNail =]

Both parties love that 'hate' and 'like'; 'beg' and 'forgive' interactive relationship but I am sure that is a habit only not true love. Nobody can help them I think only time will tell.

Hi Wildberry,

Hope my comment is not the final say and would not close your thread ;-)

Hi Banker,

Thanks for adding more clear idea ;-)

Banker - maybe J is too rational and be independant throughout her life... she takes good care of her self and her family. She didn't aware that her "independent" charaters had somehow pushing the guy away. Maybe the 3rd party is "Weaker" in the sense of handling daily issues and this guy always went to that gal!

well~ i know. all are just excuses. but unbelievable... this has been dragged for sooo many years!

Rusty Nail.

nope, i won't stop here yet, i still have more details can share about this couple but just don't know where to start. So i only spelled out the KEY message.

I personally also went tru a very bad relationship many years ago. I got cheated by my ex-bf, and later he really changed himself... and we got back together and thought things could go on well. At the end, we splitted again. That time. i didn't even have interest to find out the root cause. I didn't even bother if he met another gal or .... but i'm glad i met somebody else later.

So, we never know what's good infront of us. We need to search what we want and go grab the opportunities. as female, we cannot just stay as-is and hoping/waiting the guy to bring us happiness. NOBODY own our happiness other than ourselves. if we don't love ourselves, nobody would.

hi Wildberry,

Recently, i saw a movie. The leading actress said:"there is no love, only illusion."

For some extent, it is so true.

We are responsible for our happiness. In the same time, we are the one to identify which is "true love" or "illusion" by our own.

By the way, the actress was finally married in the movie.

RustyNail~

RustyNail, a matter of sharing is my pleasure.

WildBerry, If someone want to change others’behavior using the name of love, that is not true love. Love means freedom and not to control, not to criticize, not to shout for fair and need not to ask for anything. I have learnt someone did say love is only giving out. When it dies it dies forever without regret. If you feel changing other is a good idea that is like. Sigh, not love.

Love contains no surrender and no changing other to please you. Only habits does. Good night all.

banker - totally agreed with you!

maybe i should elaborate further... when i said my ex "changed". i didn't mean I change him. NO NO NO...

instead. i changed myself. not in purpose but it's jsut that i've grown futher. I changed my views and perceptions and my bad habits...

So did he notice my changes and also the way i treat him. After a period of time, he changed himself too. and his change was obvious to other friends as well, not just to me.

So, when we got back together that time, i didn't treat it as "force to get back together, or... try another round". Instead, i treat him as someone new i met, it's new him. Althought we ended up seperated again, but it was due to some other reasons when i was in overseas. So, no regret.

But I agree with you. Dont even try to change someone. For him be your lover, your boss or your friends. People would change if he/she is willing to.

WildBerry

The whole is exchanging energy so we all change slowly regarding our appearance or behavior to suit our desire. If love dies after a couple die then we call it forever love. Mostly we seldom make this happens. Because all humans change (only if s/he is willing to) so as to fulfill their darkside desire namely the joy of achievement which they call it happy or love.

The whole world {{

RustyNail~

Love vs. illusion....

hmmm... good thoughts :)

it's like Wealth vs. illusion

some people see a million as RICH, but some see debt-free as RICH, and many others see Health as RICH.

I wanna share my "theory of Happy life" here:

Look at your hand, Five fingers...

I HOld my happy life.. and it's consists of:

1. Family ~ let's say 20%

2. frienship ~ 20%

3. career ~ 20%

4. Hobbies ~ 20%

5. Love/relationship ~20%

Just an example to share, in this case, i have 5 of the above to make me feel contented and happy. Love/boyfriend/galfriend/admire just stay 20% to make my happy life fullest. If this person can also be my close friend whom listen to me, and If he can also share my interest (not neccassary has same hobbies as I do, but willing to share), and he may help or advise on my career problems, and eventually if we got married then he would be my family member as well..... THEN, this person would be 100% in my HAPPY LIFE. However, before reach that moment, this person is just my bf. the max he could stand in my life is just 20%.... if he can't even love me truely.... he doesn't even contribute 10% to my happy life.

and I, as matured adult, should not neglect other things in my life for a man, i should treasure my friends, i should appreciate my job, and I should thank my family members who always there. i can spend quality time with them and care about them. Even if I don't have a partner.... i still have other 80% to fill up my Happy Life.

maybe i should not put things in all these percentage. Sounded like calculating eveyrhting in my life. Well~ it's just a "theory" to tell myself... there are so many things consists of my HAPPY LIFE, and they are always on my hand... either I grab them closely.... or, i let them go off. Last but not least, if the LOVE one is on your index finger, then you should not just use that finger to POINT OUT --> don't blame the others for not giving you happiness.

I will get confused sometimes,

J, as her friend, I really hope I could help her from being mis-treat.

But relationship is between the 2 parties. I don't want to give false advise. One should follow her own feelings and desire to make decision.

this is why i brought this topic here. not to change her decision making... but would like to see more views from different angle.

14 years... like 柴九 said ... hehehehe..... how many 10 years we can have?!

WildBerry

I never get confuse and not even once =)

We all humans come to this world with nothing. If love comes I welcome. If love gone I appreciate someone whom loved me before. All others things I will treat as similar viewpoint. If I want to change myself it must be outthere something I need to change to please myself otherwise counts me out. The question is who can die tomorrow without regret. Love yourself is the basic elements and final elements towards everything in this cruel world.

banker

i'm just a typical Cancerian :P

ahahah.. blaiming the horoscope.

physically... yeah, i can still control myself not to be "confused" and influenced by others. but emotionally... sigh.... LESSONS to learn.

hi Wildberry,

Thanks for letting me learn something from you. This will help my life too.

The best thing of your idea is that you are holding your life. Your life is on your one hand.

We all have only 5 fingers. For safety reasons, besides 5 defining factors of life and happiness, we better have a column called "others". We may not know what it is as this point.

We better have this column too. the "X" factor. ;-)

RustyNail~

RustyNail~

we always learn from others... don't we? learn from other "bad experiences" can also help us stay "awake" and BEWARE :)

the 5-fingers just an example. Don't forget, we have up to 10 fingers! we have much more to make up to our fullest life! with both hands, we have so much strength. Aint we? sometimes we hold too tight. sometimes we letgo easily... there is up n down... we need BALANCE all the time.

When you have so much things to grab and weight and carry.... why you choose to use your hands to wipe off tears? at the end, you hold nothing and tears on your hand/eyes also dried off.... n you got nothing at the end.

well well well~

it's always easy to TALK :P

WildBerry

Try opening our hands then everything is out there waiting for us to embrace. Aint that more easy this way ? Hahaha

hi Wildberry,

nothing to add from me ;-)

what time will you sleep tonight?

I got another point of view about the 14 years of our life to share with you ;-)

RustyNail~

banker - you have your point too. I won't deny that. I just think that... before we could have a clear & determined mind, we can learn how to set our goals and ask ourselves: what we want?

If one doesn't know what she wants, she would lost herself easily.

she wants a companionship?

she wants a man as husband so she could have a wedding?

she wants someone to take care her life/living?

she wants someone as soulmate?

she wants someone called "boy friend"?

she wants someone just be her listener?

she wants someone to share her joyful moment?

she wants someone who ALWAYS there for her problems?

she wants everything - all of the above?

or, is she with this guy to please both families?

or, to be with him so not to "Waste" her time? (14 years!)

.....................................

If what she want is just as simple as HAPPY LIFE,

she should not dwell on the questions above

she should not dwell on this tedious relationship.

coz

there are much more to grab other than this man.

we won't know what will come to us

but you are right, we should open up our hands, our hearts.

Whatever it is... don't look back.

RustyNail~

I should stay up late tonite :P

can't wait for your sharing.... take your time to type them out, okay?

hi Wildberry,

Give me a second to be out of your topic.

what would you say to me if I send an invitation to add you on my msn?

RustyNail~

WildBerry

You typed exactly what I wanna type. History is nothing but a record which is useless. We all live at this current moment =)

Nice to meet up here RustyNail and Banker :)

I'm glad that I always meet nice people in my thread. I don't leave any message here or start a thread except 8 years ago... and... today! :D

but i always come in and browse tru :P

RustyNail - please guide me how could I do that? I don't wanna disclose my msn here tho..... hope you can understand.

hi WildBerry,

Please send an email includes your msn account to the below (don't add me directly)

[email protected]

I will do the rest ;-)

Banker -

Now i have this thought: yes, we should not look back to history.

BUT, there is always a BUT, for things that had happened, we MAYBE can forgive, but we should not FORGET.

You know. people said: Forgive n Forget. I said NO... we can FORGIVE, we should FORGIVE, but we must not forget. The history is very good to remind us, and also, to share with our loved one.

See, without our "history", we won't able to share with each other now. :)

thats the beauty of "remember the past", but don't look back.

RustyNail - got it?

hi WildBerry,

Are you the "bxx" in you msn account?

i have yet to receive notification.... have you added me to list?

to add on:

After J decided to end this relationship once she saw this jerk heading towards that gal's apartment, he kept sending her sms and hundreds of miss-call!

these are some of them:

"why you torture me like this? why you don't pick up my calls? why you don't talk to me face to face? why you don't trust me? you know i have difficulties to talk to you? Why I can't talk to my friend? (that gal)"

oh... bullshxt, he is pointing his finger to J. He is blaiming J pushing him to go see that gal, and yet, ask J to trust her that they are just friend. GOSH... would you mind your bf/gf go see another "close friend" (opposite sex) and bring her parents out for dinner, YET, cannot bring along his own gf?

sorry that got home late...

as what i said...i know it's her...

she ask me that want to talk by phone. for me, i dunno what she want and what's the purpose of this conversation, but anyways, i gave her my phone no. she said she know who i am, and told me that she had been be with him an half year, and recently found that he had other girls (girls, not only me, ha~) she want to know if i'm already knew that. oh yes, i knew it, just i dun want to argue with him anymore cox i know he has excuses & explaination always.

she ask me go down stair (cox our company is just nearby), i'm ok, she just shared with me and said she is really really unhappy. i'm suprised that they hv sex relationship before they be together. she want to find all the other girls (at least 5, including me & she) and tell them about him. i told her i wont do that, just want to leave peacefully. we kept contact for 2 days, she keep telling me how good he treat her, and push me to listen their phone conversation (via 3 line), she flirt him by phone (and i'm there~!!). i feel really bad that my heart is nearly come out (as i've 甲亢 & my heart beat v fast) and told her i dun want to know about them anymore.

On the Sunday same week, my ex guess that we have contact and ask me about that. i admit, and said i want to break up with him, even she hasnt appeared. what a messy night. she judged me why i told him everything without her allowance. anyways, we both 3 talk face to face that night and settle down. he said he flirt everywhere just for fun, and becox his bad memory in his 2nd sch life. he said he will try to change, and he choose me as his future. he ask me to wait for him.

on next wed, my ex told me he will hv drink with fds. he call me around 12am and said he's back home now. once he put down the phone, the girl calls me. guess what happened?

no one is having a problem, indeed.

this guy maybe sick - a sickness of "lost inside", that he cant stop himself from pursuing "recognition" by chasing after gal(s). this is sad but true that many of the ppl living in a big city like HK lives a life like this, this is not a single case.

but then, it's all about "MAKING CHOICE" .... J is obviously "victimizing" herself, isnt her? she can always make a choice to leave, but she stayed, and allowed this plot to act on and on and on.

who to blame at the end? no one.

they chose this plot of life and it seems to me, they somehow "enjoying" it, otherwise, it cant last for that many yrs.

she told me that he stay with him all night, and, they had sex.

i ask her: y u sex with him if u dont love him anymore? (as she said she will not forgive him)

and i said, that's no reason for u to tell me that u had sex with him, cox i'm only his fd now.

this relationship confuse me about a month, he said he had end up all the other relationship and just keep as fd with them. i believe him that time...

a month after, his teeth has some problem and ask me go to China with him to fix it, it's ok for me. as we need to go there very early, i slept at his home (his mum's there and she know everything). in that morning about 6am, someone keep knocked the door, he open the door and told me that his fd found him for sth.

after a few minutues, someone knocked the door heavily. as his mum is in sleep, i go opening the door. she's in front of the door and said: sorry, miss H (another girl, again) just want to know who stay with him tonight, that's why i come with her~

i was shocked cox i dunno what happened.

she really found all the other girls, and tell them i'm still being with him.

i've explain to her, as i think it's my stuff, none of her business. i know i do not love him anymore, i just treat him as a fd.

for me, she's really naive.

after that day, only me and another girl miss M still keeps as fd with him. but i know that they're not "just fd", as he always go to her home overnight "for study". but whatever, i dont love him anymore~

now he keeps saying love me, want to be with me. i just reply him as a fd tone. sometimes he give me goodbye kiss, dunno why i feel sick about it.

pls tell J that she must be strong, she reserve to hv a happy life, and a better man, a man who really care and love her.

Once he betrayed, he doesnt love her 100%

maybe she will not used to lose him now, but she will recover very soon. cox all her fd will support her~!! so do i~!!!! be brave, gal~~

"silly girl" -

he was with that gal?!

"silly girl" -

frankly, i think you should stop seeing him as friend. he maybe just your "schoolmate".

But, thank you, i will pass your message to J.

hi WildBerry,

For your friend J, it looks like a not well kept 14 years of life. But life is not a microwave that you can save time from it. Either way, the 14 years were spent.

14 years of seeing the same junk movie seem a bit too long.

How about? 14 years of seeing 14 different junk movies? It is not glorified either.

RustyNail~

Let me ask me. What is the point?

if the mindset is doing no good for your life, more junk movies will come.

RustyNail~

Let J be, she doesnt help herself by dwelling

WildBerry

Sorry that my computer malfunctioning last night so I gone without notice. I do remember according to your 'theory of Happy life' which Love/relationship occupied 20% only. Why bothering helping others which we actually can't do anything? I can leave my email to you for further sharing of my history which is useless in my point of view. I better rename it as; those were the good old days. Last but not the least; let it be; the future will care of all humans’stuffs. Have a nice day and nice to meet you too.

RustyNail -

to me, time doesn't matter. :)

if things not going on well and torturing... 14 days also a huge pain!

Bernice1224 >> i think J has made up her mind, but 14 years... it's getting too complicated, she needs the right timing and right situation to do the right thing. i don't think she is really asking for "HOW?" but more as to get supports from me as a friend. But it's always good to learn from others' experiences as "reference" :P

Banker:

That guy be jerk, doesn't mean J has to be mean to him. to make herself feel better, she just doesn't want to see anything bad happen on this guy. just hope no impact to both families if things can stil be setteld by a peaceful talk.

Avoiding this person may not be a good move. Instead. face him.

of course, if you ask me, hahahaha.... i would already disappear from this guy's life. I won't even let him has a chance to contact me or see me. Simply~ I won't do anything that upset myself.

we have good sharings here... i hope this thread will be extended.

WildBerry goodmorning

there is no 'if' in my life because i never ask second time but share instead. sure i gonna post here whenever i am ava. everything got a life cycle and do hope this thread might be the exceptional case.:P

Good Morning to you "Banker"~

I only know... Never say never :P

but you should have enough life experiences and exposure to come up with that statement. I won't against on your belief though.

Again, I'm anticipating for your sharing :D

Please do so.