Lust, Love and Loyalty (affairs, exp sharing)

hi all

(me: 30s married)

(ps, there's no 'point' to this little essay, I just thought that ppl here would be interested in this sharing. Yes, it's straight from the heart so it's not too structured)

I had been around this site for a long while now, and I have the good fortune of meeting girls that I like here. Although we started off with impure intentions and ... ethically-challenged relationships, it evolved/morphed into a discreet affair.

Which is fine, because I believe that love spices up lust.

However, as I know myself really well, I would pretty quickly involved pretty deeply, hence making things a bit more complicated and less fun. Good thing is that I won't place any pressure on my lady friend, but it shows.

Striking the balance is perhaps the key, between sensuality, sincerity and scheduling (timing)

my recent experience taught me something new: guilt vs gratification.

It's a matter of loyalty actually.

Managing a marriage is never easy, affair is not any easier either (as with any relationships). As a married guy, I see my need for lust and love (the sweetness) would fade over time. The old notion of 'knowing the need of returning home" works to an extent. It is selfish of course, but I am not posing as a Saint anyway, and I don't think this is limited to guys, wife have need too.

Hence personally, I see marriage as a longer term relationship, and when guilt hits, I'd just put in more effort into the family to subdue the guilt.

Worse feelings associated are jealousy and envy, and yes those term are different. (see http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/envy/#1.2in short: jealous is a 3 parties thing, envy is 2 parties)

In my case it's more envy then jealousy. Not jealous because I know what I am getting into in the first place. Dealing with envy is tricky, but I got used to it now... it does hit me at times, but hey that's life.

It's lust driven, love fueled relationship...

Loyalty is the after taste.

most ppl are happy to find a grey area to cover when they acknowledge / knowing well that they are likely to commit some wrong-doing...

no judgement or bias here, we all have our own reasons before we play part in other's life...

yep, no call for judgement, no right or wrong, we are only human.

how about lonely and solitude?

WTF: that would be the motive...

If lonely and solitude are motives

how come we would have that feelings?

Like your case, you have your wife already

the motives would be selfish and greedy?

WTF:

"It is selfish of course, but I am not posing as a Saint anyway, and I don't think this is limited to guys, wife have need too."

I knew ppl like you would say something like that.

Hi Guys, I finally find some quality post here. I totally agree with u guys about sometimes we need to know that we are only the human being. What i think is, if you can cover it perfectly,(remember i said "perfectly") go ahead.

Hi Samehere

thanks :)

Mal

Don't mean to start a fight with you

Also don't mean that I am 100% pure

I have been having affairs on and off for 12 years

It's just, do we need to justfify ourselves?

Am I that lonely or I am just selfish

hmmm

self justification is one way to deal with something that 'doesn't sit right' within, like serial killers would usually find 'excuses' for them to kill, so that they can sleep at night, kinda like a self-defence mechanism

Mal, did / does your wife cheat on you?

同愛人分手...都只因為悶/厭倦

I rather not talk about that. sorry.

Mal

that's OK, your answer implied already

somehow, i believe it is just managing expectation

very ar Q, but that's the way to strive the balance

and the guidline in breaking up an affair

過來人

So it means, it is a cycle, just the partner different,

when will we get tired and sick of it?

hi Mal,

quite impressed by your posting, I know myself clear that I would involve deep in a relatiosship, do u think i'd better not engage any affair ? I am afraid it brought me more sadness at the end.

No exp

thank you

my advice: don't start. it's like a drug, a growing addiction.

once you are involved, you'd be distracted

WTF

no, my wife didn't cheat. just to clarify.

so how about the proportion of happiness and sadness in your case?

i'm just telling the truth.

during honey moon period, u will never get tired/ sick of it, u will enjoy every single moment with your beloved...NO MATTER WHAT

that depends on the lady that I like, some 50/50 some more like 80/20 (sad/happy)

過來人

hear hear, I agree.

Mal

How would you know, you have never checked on her right? But I bet you will forgive her if you found out she cheated on you?

過來人

I know you are telling the truth, I was asking, when will one couple get sick of it? In your case, normally it lasted how long?

Yes, I want to know normally how long does it last too? And any of you can tell how long is ur shortest and longest affair?

WTF, if you are trying to pin things on me, you'd fail. if you are betting, it means putting judgement, that's not my intent for this.

my longest one is a few years

a week ~ 3 years

by the way, being presumptuous is silly.

Mal

Why you are so offensive once being asked

So you just want to express but not to discuss and share

Not everyone would agree to you and you can simply ignore me if you felt being challenged.

No experience

my experience, shortest 2 months, longest 24 months, or i should say, it is still continuing, the lonest one... I don't know when it will come to an end.

no, not challenged, you are being presumptuous

Selfish is a 'must' ingredient for people who have a liaison with others, the self-defence mechanism is switched on when they feel guilty; post in here possibly can diminish the sinful sense after they commit an inappropriate emotion and passion and action into a relation because we look for the same voice, echo..

just: well said, couldn't put it any better that you do

we look for refuge among our own kind.

噢，不錯。

Oh thank you.

Nice guns by the way

I mean nothing except to tell my own thought and share my own experience. Even if no one agree with me, I am still who I am and will do what I want to do. Walking alone is a tough task therefore she.com becomes a 'refuge' for us to remorse and more remorse will be generated after 'confession'.

Mal
Do you expect your lover's to be loyal to you ? or she is free to roam?

Just to share..

Through my lover, I have a better understanding of my hub's frustration at home, but do I treat him significantly better now? No for sure.

I dont think having an extra-marital affair could help rescue an marriage

it's not meant to be an rescue...

for those who want to know more about me, add me on msn: [email protected]

kick,

pros and cons.

You got better understanding of him as well as the mentality and behaviour of most husbands.

No better treatment is not a surprise.

just,

Hard to justify pros are involved. :p

not to justify, just to comfort oneself to reduce the guilt and sleep easy at night

kick,

We enjoy selfish, happy that we have been there to selfish, this is the pros, no justification is required. :)

good point Just.

just,

That's more like it. ^^

Mal,

Do you really have a lot of guilt? Frankly, I don't, if I do, I won't be doing what I'm doing now.

mal,

I cannot sleep well.

Kick: no. just one, I kinda beleive in one at a time

Just: add me if you need someone to talk to. no hidden agenda here.

kick,

I don't have guilty feeling, I just cannot sleep deeply.