Cheating

Trying:
 
 Thanks for sharing your story. That's how I feel too, very frustrated. I want to forgive her, but whenever I have a quiet moment, I start to think about the details I read, with a little imagination of my own, my mood change dramatically from love to hate.
 
 Like you said, I don't want to give up because of something happened years ago before our marriage. I choose my path to forgive her, but it's not easy to do. I really appreciate your share of story, at least give me some heads up of what I can expect.
 
 OJ:
 No, she's not in touch with him. It's just that the file contains all the correspondences between them when they went out. And you're right about men and jealousy! It's absolutely driving me crazy.
 
 Celian:
 I already gave her the chance to be honest with me. I found out the letter and I asked her to be honest about the relationship between them. When I found out the e-mail/MSN correspondence the next day, the e-mail disclosed that they're much serious than what she told me in the beginning. That hurt, because she can't even be honest after the whole thing is out in the open.
 
 Now I don't know when she's lying and when she's being honest. I can't distinguish truth or lies anymore. It's very sad because before this incident, I thought I found the perfect wife. She's absolutely perfect for me. I am a very strange person to deal and live with, and to be able to find such a wife is very lucky. The trust we built and all that we went through seems like it's all gone now.

Yes, we are not competent to judge right or wrong, particularly to matters between a man and a woman.......thanks to your comment!

I am so bad at hiding and acting....

It's definitely not a good feeling to found out that you've been cheated on. But to decide whether or not to separate with someone you love, it's definitely a big issue, and you need a lot of courage, and most of all, no regrets.
 
 It might take you a very long time to recover, and it is something that cannot be reversed. What you can only do is, try the best that you can to look on the bright side of things, and just build it on from there. At least, she still chose to marry you, otherwise she can just break it off then and there. At least she's still upset that she hurt you, otherwise, she can just tell you she doesn't care.
 
 It's not easy for someone to confess their wrong doings, especially when one knows it'll hurt the other one so much. It will also require you lots of courage to get through this, and remember, you are not alone in this. She also needs the support from you to get it through. It is not a one person's business. You are in a relationship, not to mention marriage. So it takes two to tango now. If you really love her, just do it step by step. Appreciate what she has already done so far, and continue to appreciate, if you really love her.
 
 Hoping all the best for you.

That's right, everything has bottom line. It's not like it's an accident. She has full control over this. She was just months from our wedding, we had our wedding photos taken, wedding banquet planned, everything is set.
 
 And yet, she choose to get into a relationship with someone when I am away, busting my @ss for the family, with a 20 years old kid! To add salt to my wound, I had to found out about this and read thru all the love letters they wrote to each other, who the F--- does she love really?
 
 I rather she told me there and then, at least I have a choice. She made her choice to fool around with someone else. I think the least I deserve is the choice of yes or no to this marriage, should it even start in the beginning. Now that I am years into my marriage, with our new born child, I feel like I am being rape, like I had no choice but to accept it.

phisherman
 Did she promise to start afresh and stick to a fair rule set by u regarding the "him"?
 If so, give it a try, cos in not doing so, Ur mind can never rest.
 Like carpediem suggested earlier, the scar is there, so tough luck!!!
 I have something similar in a way... there was this lady frd I once closely associate with, after we parted earlier last year, she moved in with this "SonOfTheGun" and they lived (happily ever after.. i presume). Somhow things didnt work out after a few mths, she moved out and I began seeing her again... Every time when i visited her, I can never allow myself to sit or get anywhere near that Mattress of hers.. u know what i mean.. I am that kind of person, probably so r u fellas

Well, I don't know if I sounded like I'm on her side, or I sound cold-blooded, and I'm sorry if I do sounded like that. Only that whatever is done is done, and there's no way back. What you have now is a wife, and a baby, a family.
 
 I do feel sorry for you on what has happened, and I can feel it honestly. I've been cheated on before, and only lucky thing is that I was not in a marriage when that happened. And what's more, after I knew about it, I know I don't love that guy, or rather say, he doesn't deserve my love.
 
 It is not that you don't have a choice. You still have a choice to step out of this marriage. But you are saying, you still love her. So, there is no use to ask if it was back then, can you say no to this marriage. She's now here, and she's confessed. Try to work it from here.
 
 It's very ok to release yourself, and shout all you want. You need a place to release all your negative energy.

Thanks Net and all the encouragement from everyone....
 
 That's a very positive note to remember when I get down on it. I have decided to forgive her, so I will have to try to put it behind me. I must give her credit for what she's going thru. it doesn't matter if she started this, it's still very tough for her to live thru this time period while taking care of our child.
 
 I remember when I made mistakes, all I want is someone's forgiveness. I am sure she feels the same right now. She must feel very lonely when I refused to hug her and left home for work. It's such a confusing moment. I hate her for what she did to me, but yet, I still love her and feel even worst for making her cry.

phisherman
 u r a brave man..

My ex-wife did the same to me.....we seperated but not divoiced......we had a daughter......now I understand that most of us married to someone we didn't love most......and that is the one that we loved most is perfect as he or she could never be our next half......

OJ: Yes, 100% know what you mean! The correspondence I read is very detail, it talks about the food they have, the music they listened to, the things they did. Now whenever I see or hear or smell any of those things, I get upset and don't want to be around any of them. I am grateful he didn't come to my house, otherwise I probably would've burn my place down.
 
 and yes, "Tough $hit", still have to live thru it. Just the matter of how, and how to do it with least amount of damage.

-> carpediem
 
 All our advice here seemed ask phisherman try to forgive his wife...who else said divorce lei?
 
 Maybe I am thinking too grey, there's no more loyalty in nowadays relationship, 大家你虞我詐, 每天鬥智鬥力, 好累呀, u can't even trust the person who sleep next to you, the only person who won't betray you is yr parent...also, to me, doggies are more loyal than man la...
 
 I still remember when I spy on my husband's e-mail/sms, he found out and yell at me: why u hv to dig deep to find out all those truth? 你唔覺得辛苦既咩? At that moment, I just thought I hv to know everything, i won't be that stupid to let you lied to me...
 
 But man, believe me, the more u find out, the more u get hurt, the more unhappy u are...try to control yrself, dun try to discover more, cool down, focus on yr work, do exercise everyday which would make u more energetic and happier...
 
 Slowly switch your attention to other stuff, 得閒呃下自己有日自己都會相信 o架, 你話我鴕鳥阿Q乜都好...this is what I can suggest...
 
 Agreed with oj that all you need is a "companion", someone you can talk to, understand u, give u support so that u can release you pain, share all those hard feelings...

Cherish what you have now, that's the motto that I keep reminding myself of, whether it's a relationship, friendship, work, or everything else in life.
 
 It's hard, but guess it's the only way to help us to look forward into the future.
 
 Keep the spirits up, phisherman.

yes, we often stuck with someone not quite fit our "ideal specification". But each time when i got upset by my wife, i will tell myself, I could be in much worse situation, besides, I could end up with a wife who offers me with that "sleeping with the enemy" feeling... Hohoho.. btw, there were times, I got that feeling too. If it was a companion who got my emotion swing high and low, i will say, take a hike and walk out.. Thats what i' do.
 Thesedays there is no more soulmate, there is no more Mr/Mrs Right, we simply try to get by each days. If you asked me, is there anything worth while living for, I will say it all boils down to how much expectation you have for life. The more there is , the more painful you will be!!

There's no perfect match out there. However, being sincere and honest are already 2 things that are so hard to find these days. Am I being too pessimistic? Haha...

May I continue your story as follows:
 
 You had come to "SHE" many time. Finally your newly married wife know that you enjoy affairs with girls in this message board.
 
 When your wife feel unset when thinking about you, she start come here to do whatever you did which you called "you are single and girl friend just broken with you, you need a new live".
 
 Finally, due to so angry that as she really engage into "LOVE" affair.....
 
 (Then your story begin as below)
 =================================================
 I never been so down before.... My wife and I married for 2 years now. I found out she had an affair when we were engaged, six month before we're getting married. I found a love letter written by the 3rd party, it was intimate, it hurt really bad. I confronted her, she was crying and say that she's sorry. I am really frustrated, I love her, but on the other hand, I really hate her for what she have done. I don't think I am angry enough to get into a divorce, but enough to upset me to hurt our relationship.... Am I being up tight about something that happened long time ago, before our marriage? Deep down, I still love her and I want to forget about it, but everytime when I think of the guy kissing my wife, the hate and the anger gets to an uncontrollable level. What can I do?

Net.
 Quite the opposite, i think u r too Optimistic.. haha.. U r greedy... Sincere and honest.... give me a break.... The only persons I lie to in this whole wode world are my wife and my boss.. hoho

You are so funny, bluelady.....doesn't blue means heavy or cloudy to your mood? I am not as optimistic as you.....
 To rest of you guys and gals, there is nothing more important then being alive.....we still have to look after ourselves, our parents, our friends.......

OJ...haha...so we are living in a world of lies now? hoho....

oj -> so agreed with yr words:
 
 If it was a companion who got my emotion swing high and low, i will say, take a hike and walk out..

ay I continue your story as follows:
 
 You had come to "SHE" many times. Finally your newly married wife knew that you enjoy affairs with girls in this message board.
 
 When your wife feel upset when thinking about you, she started come here to do whatever you did as which you called "you are single and girl friend just broken with you, you need a new live".
 
 Finally, due to so angry that as she really engage into "LOVE" affair.....
 
 (Then your story begin as below, my I right ?)
 =================================================
 I never been so down before.... My wife and I married for 2 years now. I found out she had an affair when we were engaged, six month before we're getting married. I found a love letter written by the 3rd party, it was intimate, it hurt really bad. I confronted her, she was crying and say that she's sorry. I am really frustrated, I love her, but on the other hand, I really hate her for what she have done. I don't think I am angry enough to get into a divorce, but enough to upset me to hurt our relationship.... Am I being up tight about something that happened long time ago, before our marriage? Deep down, I still love her and I want to forget about it, but everytime when I think of the guy kissing my wife, the hate and the anger gets to an uncontrollable level. What can I do?

hey, captain, I feel sorry for you, but not much you can do but forgive her, hundreds of lives are on your hand, don't do stupid shxt.

想起一首歌 "當你見到星河燦爛, 可會想起我....."
 
 同樣地, 我把歌詞改寫
 
 當你見到呀初一時, 請你想想那十五
 勿學那銀河星星, 只叫別人去思過
 要如同星光, 照耀著你的錯........

carpediem -> haha...below is what I write in other thread, do u still think I am optimistic?
 
 其實人類正不斷摧毀污染地球, 殘殺動物, 加上人性極度醜惡, 減少人類未嘗唔係一件好事...
 
 你話我懦弱又好, 冇用又好, I don't care!
 D人咁想生存落去, 如果可以我唔介意俾條命佢, 同佢交換囉...
 
 老實講我從來唔缺錢用(which is the problem that bother most ppl), 但我睇唔倒做人有乜意義, 生存為乜...人生出來就係受苦, 生離死別+疾病, 營營役役過一世, 唔知為乜, 唔開心多過開心...
 
 重有你地D開朗積極o既人係唔會明我地悲觀o既人點諗...身體/腦裡缺少了血清素(即所謂抑鬱症吧), 你睇乜都藍藍灰灰,有金執都提唔起勁, 心埋/精神醫生食藥都未必幫到o架...
 
 phisherman -> sorry to borrow yr space and put some "blue" words here...

if u really love her, as she finally find her true live
 
 LET HER GO is "REAL" love
 
 might be , you just want to take another girls here by your speech ?

他的題字是 "cheating"
 
 唔好玩啦, 未到4月1日呀

bluelady
 although u nick resembles my ex's very very much but i shall try to regard u as another person rather than her.
 
 老實講我從來唔缺錢用(which is the problem that bother most ppl), 但我睇唔倒做人有乜意義, 生存為乜...人生出來就係受苦, 生離死別+疾病, 營營役役過一世, 唔知為乜, 唔開心多過開心...
 <----------------------I cannot agree more with ya.. x 100000000000000

Bluelady, we all have the dark side......just don't let it control us.......

oj -> I guess everyone should have their right to deicide to live on or terminate their life...just under the condition that they don't affect others, all they need to responsible to - > their parents...
 
 You know Leslie Cheung, he'srich, handsome, famous, hv successful career, how come such perfect person still have to kill himself? Just everyone have their own story...

blue
 do i know u (an honest answer pls)

car
 the dark side and the "not so dark" side keep rolling and rolling like a turning coin!!

oj -> honest answer? is oj your real name then? hehee....
 
 How come u ask such funny question? Am i really look like someone u know?

carpediem ->
 
 To be honest, I tried very very hard to stand up again...

blue
 yes, u do in certain ways

see oj is oj.
 we all had our struggles, the past is just bloody warm ups

I know I'm a pessimistic person, but not as bad as bluelady. Bad things do happen in life, and I did need a lot of time to recover from the big fall I had the year before (when I found out the cheating).
 
 However, when you look back, you now come to know that you can pass through those bad times, so it's what you have now that matters. So what I'm trying hard to do is to enjoy every moment of my life.
 
 But of course, the pessimistic side of me will never go away...I'm just being Ah Q...

Looks like we are comforting each other and not the host, sorry to Mr. phisherman.......
 Bluelady, take my word, treasure your life, live good to make your enemy envy......thats a good way to revenge......

Haha...I am so blue that I dun wanna waste my energy to revenge on those meaningless ppl...
 
 What i am trying to do now is do things that would make myself happy...dun reply on others, reply on yrself is the only secure thing !!!

So you better change your nickname to Redlady la......haha.....

You are right! Especially it's CNY ma....heheee

Wah! you are great.....happy CYN.....all best wishes to you and your family.......

Bluelady: Coming here and letting all the feeling out is already helping a lot. Amaze to see lots of positive notes from many of you, sharing experience so I don't feel like fighting this alone.
 
 OJ/NET: Sincere AND Honest? Ain't that everything already?!
 
 初一見到十五: I am not a perfect man. Knowing I am not perfect as well and I do make mistakes, I am not sure if I even entitle the power to forgive someone. I am just having hard time to put things behind me at the moment, I just want to make us happy again.
 
 Spending two nights away from home....now I feel bad I didn't give her a hug before I leave

Though it sounded easy, but really hard to find. But then, aren't those things are things that should be in a relationship?
 
 Take your time to work things out. Don't be too negative, if you really do love her. You don't want to see her in pain, much as she doesn't want to see you likewise.

Will keep you guys posted on the progress, thanks again! Let's see how things works out when I get back....

我就試過一年幾既時間都拔唔出呢條刺,最終都分手收場......
 祝你好運

Were you married?

我都覺得你拔唔出呢條刺,最終都分手收場......

May consider an abortion, sounds cruel, but gives you extra time, and possibly avoiding a single parent family.

Morning all
 
 about that "Mattress" i talked about yesterday? Well, I did step on it, sat on it and ended up lying on it gradually... I didn't accept it but I told myself if I wanna have another start with her, I shall either take it or leave it, so I took it and turned a blind eye on who had been sleeping or working out on it before.
 Did the relationship last? Well... shame to say, like cancer patient, even the tumour caused by the incidemt was removed but how often do u see a cancer patient live happily ever after and immune from recurring!!!
 Here i am surfing with u guys

oj
 
 As I said before, the more u know/think, the more u get hurt...reality is always cruel !
 
 We're just human and have our past which cannot be changed...the most important is to treasure the one u really care...don't use too much your "imagination" la...