Cheating



  • I never been so down before....

    My wife and I married for 2 years now. I found out she had an affair when we were engaged, six month before we're getting married. I found a love letter written by the 3rd party, it was intimate, it hurt really bad.

    I confronted her, she was crying and say that she's sorry. I am really frustrated, I love her, but on the other hand, I really hate her for what she have done. I don't think I am angry enough to get into a divorce, but enough to upset me to hurt our relationship....

    Am I being up tight about something that happened long time ago, before our marriage? Deep down, I still love her and I want to forget about it, but everytime when I think of the guy kissing my wife, the hate and the anger gets to an uncontrollable level. What can I do?



  • 如果你真係愛她,或者原諒她一次啦



  • i don't understand, why you stil marry her?


    why can't you just postpond the wedding or cancel it?





    you already marry , why u are struggling now??



  • well... i dont think you can live with a cheater right now.


    just separate with her now, until you forget about the whole thing, or until you can accept her back, then move back.



  • bluegirl, he didnt know. only discovered it right now. if i get it right.



  • To make things worst, we just had a baby. It's easy to say just leave and come back when ready, but now that I have a family, I can't just leave as I wish.





    The incident happens before we're married, but I just found out.




  • 其實我覺得通常只有兩種做法,一種是為了bb.而繼續一齊,一種是趁bb未大過, 而分開左先...你自己覺得點



  • I know there is no perfect way to deal with this. I don't think I want to just leave the family, I want to solve this and try to put it behind us. But like I said, everytime when I think of it, I am very angry and don't want to see her face.





    What do you do to forgive someone that really hurt you bad? I found it nearly impossible to forgive someone, particularly your own love one cheated on you



  • I love her. To me, she's perfect, she's the best wife a man can get....I still can't believe this happens to me! I can't believe she's that kind of person.










  • 首先要放低成見啦,雖然好難做到, 但都需要點時間既,每個人都有錯,如果佢都知錯,你就原諒佢一次啦



  • I lost desire to be around with her. whenever I see her, I can't help to imagine the 3rd party. I love her for being such a great wife until now, and I hate her for cheated on me. When we sleep now, I can't have her hug me, I can't have sex, nothing is appealing anymore.





    If I have a choice, I would leave. But I don't, so I have to find a way to accept her again, to love again.... It's so hard, I don't know how to, but I have to.



  • bluegirl, he didnt know. only discovered it right now. if i get it right.





    by wee - 02/09/08 02:29








    oh ...ic..thanks....








    phisherman,





    yes, u can ...





    my ex had cheated on me too..and i could not forgive him at that time..so i chose to part... but now, i tell u, i forgive him already, if i could choose, i still want to get back to him now...





    if you really love someone, u could...but only that..... but u may need some times..





    i'll choose to leave... and seperate for a while first...if you two are meant to be together, eventutally would get back together...





    times can prove





    BUT the main point is...have to seperate and really think .... i don't think you can come up with any solution if you stay in this way...



  • Thanks Carrie....I want to do that, just nearly impossible at the moment







  • 我同意bluegirl所講,


    其實依家你地咁樣, 都唔似夫妻,只係勉強一齊, 不如暫時分開下,大家好一點, 你又可以睇下自己係咪真係仲需要佢, 如果已經無感覺, 咁都無謂一齊



  • Thanks Bluegirl, I really have to think this over. It's taking hold of my life, I can't work or think, it's driving me crazy.



  • 唔唔,,你依家其實有點恨佢,其實真係唔見佢一排會好d



  • you have responsibility to take care the baby, but you don't have to stay becoz of this...


    --------------


    " If I have a choice, I would leave. "


    ---------------





    that means, if leave aside the baby, you just said you would leave.





    so that's the ANSWER!!!





    if i were you, leave now. i don't ask you to file divorce, i just ask you to leave...


    and seperate with your wife first....


    ask someone to take care your wife for you... but you have to step out first...





    only back to her after you have think clear..




  • 你發現個刻點解唔先唸清楚係咪繼續結婚?


    事情已經發生左2年半了, 呢2年半你地既關係點? (你對佢, 佢對你)


    我相信都唔會太差, 起碼你地岩岩亦有左BB.


    大家都唔細了,有BB係意外?


    正如carrie 所講, 既然自己係愛佢, 點解唔能夠俾佢一個機會, 俾大家一次機會, 過去已經過去左, 你地仲有幾十年要一齊渡過, 你敢擔保你唔會犯錯, 如果佢到時能夠原諒你, 你會希望佢把口話原諒你但其實她永遠放條刺係心度嗎?







  • From you, the outsider point of view, am I being unreasonable? This incident happened before we get married, but while we're engaged (6 months from wedding). She said she hasn't seen that person since we're married, and it has been 2 1/2 years, it's just that I just found out about this.... Am I being unreasonable about something that happens before we're married?



  • 我覺得又唔係唔理智既,你只係信佢,...我覺得過去既野.唔駛再講,最緊要係睇依家..你是否仍然鐘意佢,係咪會包容到佢既錯.



  • phisherman,





    who cares what the outsider think...





    the important is you, YOURSELF only..





    if you cant' forgive her at this moment,


    then just leave for a while..





    few days, few weeks, take whatever times you need....but once u make a decision , whatever decision u make, don't regret.





    and don't look back!



  • phisherman,





    如果呢件事你同你太太身份掉轉, 即做錯個個係你, 俾佢發現左, 你既心情係點, 你希望佢點對你?



  • phisherman,


    搵幾日靜靜地自己諗清楚啦



  • carrie,





    can i talk to you in my thread?





    there's something bothering me so much...i dunno what to do...



  • 你邊個thread呀



  • Thanks guys for all the feedback, I want to give her a chance, and will find a way to forgive and forget. I really love her, and therefore, I have to find a way to get back to our lives, just that finding that 'way' is not as easy as I thought.



  • 願你幸福快樂...



  • 我好開心聽到你願意同下定決心俾你地大家多一次機會, 每個人都會犯錯, 亦須要人地俾機會, 重點係有無去珍惜人地既原諒同所給既機會, 我相信, 你太太都知今次件事對你好hurt, 傷害一個疼錫自己既人, 佢既心情同樣難受.





    唔好來咁多she.com la, 係你複雜既情緒下, 反而我驚你會行差踏錯.










  • Thanks, I think you're 100% right, everyone makes mistakes, I am not perfect too. I want to give us a chance. One day I might make mistakes too and I will need her forgiveness and support.





    Thanks guys, it has been very helpful. Sometime it's easier to talk to someone you don't know.



  • 柏芝件事轟動全港, 佢既任性現在付出代價了, 相信最令佢難受, 反而係要佢親人包括霆鋒來承受, 拉姑都有講, 佢地有緣結為夫婦, 就須要共同面對風浪, 攜手渡過.





    如果我係你太太, 我一定會很感激你, 可能未必會講出口, 但我會放係心度一直感激落去.





    加油, 祝你地白頭到老, 兒孫滿堂, 攜手渡過每一個難關.



  • she still keeps the letter after all these time ???!?!?





    wake up, her heart is not with you.





    you are just a convenience.


    you must have a good job and a stable financial foundation.


    i would even dare to say, you are so stable and dependable, you are boring.





    girls love bad boys.


    sorry that's the reality.




  • i agreed with wwendie. I had a girlfriend who did the same as your wife.





    I asked her why she still want to her fiance. she said she couldn't find a better one if she leave her fiance.



  • 雖然遲左少少,不過我都係要加多句...





    既然都結左婚,就唔好計較佢既過去,


    可能你宜家真係覺得有條刺,短期內好難好似以前一樣,


    但係如果你真係愛一個人,不論佢錯成點,你都應該寬宏大量一點,


    過得到呢個心理關口,你同佢就會有一段更美滿既婚姻...





    好老婆唔易搵架,珍惜眼前人啦!




  • Man,


    It is understood how hurt you are right now. However, as you said, you still love your wife even though what happened, it is worth to keep the marriage. As you just found out, the hurt feeling still fresh and make you upset. However, as the time pass, I am sure your love to your wife would become stronger and you can forget the hurt if she is sorry for what she did.


    Dont confront to her anymore and just let 2 two calm down. Esp u two hv bb right, I would strongly advise that you try to solve this marriage instead of thinking the negative sides or something already happened.


    We are just human being but not saint, right?



  • Thank you all for the advice.





    I told her that I found out about the letter, and she cried. She said she is sorry, and I told her I want to know what happened, why she did what she had done. At first she lied to me once again, saying they didn't do much, but when I confronted her, asking her to swear on our family, she told me they kissed. I really don't know if she's still lying, but that doesn't really matter, whether they kissed or had sex, It was heart breaking for me, I still don't know why she would risk our marriage over him.





    You're right, maybe I am financially stable, but I ask myself, I am definitely not boring. I am a pilot, when we got married, she quit her job so that we can travel 1/3 of the year. We eat and live well, and I am definitely not the kind of husband that only concentrate on his work. I really love being with her, and she knows that. I just can't figure out what she's thinking. We even bought a flat a year before this incident. What am I missing? I feel so useless, what I can't provide that he can?





    She cried very hard, and it's really heart breaking to see her in this state of depression. She said she's very scare to lose me. I made her aware that this cannot happen again, that she will not see me again if she is being unfaithful. I gave her a hug and we both cried to sleep.





    Honestly, I am still angry, but to see her cry, it hurts even more.



  • Wish you a happy marriage!



  • My husband cheated on me also, he insisted to get divorce becoz of that bitch, at that time I think my life was over, I lost everything, I was so depressed that I need to see psychiatrist...





    It's been almost 1 year now, although everytime when I think about this again, I still feel angry, but it's getting better, so I guess time can really heal...





    Another way is just try to forget, don't try to forgive, as everytime u force yrself to forgive her, u will think of this issue again which will make u angry and recall those hurts, at this stage tried to separate with her awhile, find someone take care of her, u 2 don't live together but u can visit her everyday, tried not to think what she has did...as time passby, and with a new member in your family, I'm sure you will get over this...





    Now, my husband still come back often to take care of me(although we 're planning to divorce) as he admitted he owned me, now I can slowly become friend and talk with him...



  • 世界真係咁醜惡?



  • 呢個世界要幾醜惡有幾醜惡....





    That bitch is a Christian tim, my husband never hv any religious belief, but he started going to church every Sun, just becoz of HER !!!





    I admitted I hv responsibility also, I knew I treated him not good, I kept thinking what I hv done wrong for few months, but he never gave me a chance or let us restart again! I was married or 2 years only...





    At that time, I spy on their e-mails and sms...that bitch said to my husband :





    "I don't wanna hurt your wife or make her depressed, but I gave u 3 months, after this period if u still not moving out /leave yr wife, I will leave without further notice..."





    She knew he's married at the beginning, but she kept dating with him, brought shirts for my husband, lied to her company got a day of sick leave so that she can travel to 離島 with my husband, holdings hands together, this was told by my friend who saw them at the pier...





    She even angry with my husband when she knew I came to 奶奶's home to hv dinner, my husband finally hv to explain that he didn't mean to do so, just his mum asked me to comeover n hv dinner...





    At that time, that bitch 好識吊我老公癮, if she knew my husband will acompany me, she won't let him call or send sms to her whole day which this act will make my husband get crazy , miss her even much...





    My husband always say that it's all his fault, that gal really wanna leave him, but just they love each other and finally can't n come back together...





    Finally I lost my family and she get what she want...



  • Bluelady,





    I am very sorry to hear your experience. It's a very disgusting, ugly world out there.





    I am grateful that my family is still in one piece. But deep down inside, it still hurt very bad, knowing she cheated on me. The trust we built between us was gone instantly.





    What is wrong with our world these days, what is wrong with staying faithful? What is so exciting about the outside world that you are willing to risk your family over someone else?





    I really want to know what she was thinking. I really want to cry out loud, and start screaming and yelling at her, I want to call her a whore, I want to tell her to f--- off, I want to tell her to get out and go have fun with your boyfriend (by the way, he's 20 years old and she's 28). it hurt so bad I want to do a lot of things to hurt her back, to revenge.





    It's a very strange feeling because I hate her but I didn't do any of those, and although I told her I forgave her, part of me inside still want to yell and scream at her. It's like I am a mute and I can't get my message across.





    I don't know if anyone will understand, but that's how I feel.



  • I think I do understand your feeling, everytime when I think of the hard time last year, I still can feel the pain and hurt in my heart, I really don't wanna to have that feeling again, it's really made me 求生不得求死不能, i got crazy when just imagine if they're together...





    After he moved out, I've been doing something really crazy or hurtful to release my unhappiness...i felt regret that how come I can treat myself so bad?!


    I thought of revenge too, really wanna kill that gal, I never do anything bad but how come they can hurt me that badly?!





    Now I still can't say I am happy but I know that I don't love him anymore, the feeling now is just loneliness...





    So I can understand how you feel, if you dun love her, u can just go away and try to forget everything, but the worst thing is U still love her! Deep in your heart your anger is still burning, but you can't leave her as you still love her...I can feel how 辛苦 you are...





    Man...take it easy la...find someway to release your anger, your hard feeling...dun push yrself too hard...things will be getting smooth hopefully...



  • Just as I trying to meditate myself into peacefulness and forgiveness, I found a word file in my computer full of their love e-mails and MSN chat. She has been seeing him while I am away at work, most of them when I was away from home in outport. She stayed overnight with him, I don't even want to think what they did....





    Help me stay on course! I want to forgive her, but I can't contral myself anymore....





    Bluelady, you're 100%correct on how I feel. It really need to take someone who've been there to fully understand....I just hope I make it through this without too much damage.




  • Hi Pal.


    She is still in contact with HIM??? What a....


    Just like what i imagined; when woman chose to cheat, they can be a thousand times more pro than us men do!!





    Did you tell her about what you found out lately in the computer?



  • Hey Phisherman





    Don't think too much. Just cold down, now what u need is let time to cold down ur anger.





    U know when ppl is angry, they will do the worng things easily.





    By the way u love ur wife so much, then why u don't give her or give u one more chance? Sure, what she did is really very bad to u, but let time to heal the pain and wound.





    Take care man.



  • When it comes to jealousy, we are worse than women too.





    I think immediate measure you need is a "companion" to share you thick and thin while giving your "honey" a period to think it through



  • Celian


    I think he has already given him a chance.


    The forgiveness token was given against her keeping of the correspondence. If she loves her hubby, Y would she wanna keep that letter. The intent was proven when our Pal here found out abt the MSN record in his letter.


    The story here is that someone has made a mistake; ie Pal's wife has made a wrong decisioin to get marry while resting hope on this "whatheFishisname"



  • same situaltion here man. I hope you can take some comfort or advise in my ecperience.





    My bf had been one nite stay with a gal 2years before when we were just together. I found it one month ago. It happened when he was out travelling alone. And he said it was just the girl "sent herslf to his door". I found out becox he took pics with the gal in hotel room (thx god that they were still wearing clothes.......). And he admited all.





    We had a fight for about 1week. I decided to forgive him becox it had been 2years ago. Actually that is never easy. But I asked myself, " do i really want to sacrifly our love becox of a gal who met 2years before, who he can't even remember his name? " it will be a waste of what I contribute to this realtionship so far. As long as i still love this perosn and I am not willing to let it go. Forgive is the only way I can choose.





    We promised not to talk about this anymore. And I did it. I know if i always mention about it, he will simply feel worthless and tired of me. There is nothing good to our relationship.





    One week ago we went to travel together for a week. It was happy and we'd perfect sex. But after we back , after all this happiness, I think about what he did again......... I am thinking he is such a good sex partner means he have had so many sex experiences.... i think about what he did on my body, he had did the same to someone who he just known for few hours. It is not something worth treasure so much. I started to think about him and the gal on bed again. All these really made me pain.





    He is just a great guy with great personality, I treasure him but he didn't treasure himself . He said that after that 1nite incident, he never did things which betray me troughtout the year and he won't do in the future. I trust him, so i forgive him.





    But 100% forgiveness? Never. And it will drive me pain again after close realtion of us. I am like crazy.





    However, i acted like I am perfectly OK and happy.



  • trying


    u used a great word at the end of your passage' "acted"


    "


    However, i acted like I am perfectly OK and happy"





    How painful it is... I bet whenever u r alone, u feel sorrow all over you



  • Sad to hear so many unhappy stories here, but there is a Chinese idom that says: Rather teach a guy to beat his son but never teach him how to divoice his wife.....right?



  • carpediem


    right , but wrong... If she has breached the bottom line, way she goes..goodbye


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